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Shanikusai Carnival
New update! 
13th-Nov-2006 08:12 pm
Title: Break Down: Without You Pt.1
Author: shitenshi
Band: Buck-Tick
Paring: There is no paring really although Atsushi and Hisashi are a couple
Rating: PG-13 -R
Summary: (Yutaka P/V via journal entries in the begining. Atsushi & Toll P/V in later chapters)
To love and lost...to love and never be loved in return. To do everything for that one person and to be overlooked. What more must one do to get the attention that they deserve? I asked myself that question many times and still haven't found the answer. Can this truly drive someone to insanity?

A/N:I decided (since this chapter turned out to exceede 3 pages), that I would do this in parts as well. Besides, I think I like leaving my prettiful readers in suspense. So just be prepared for the next chapter. ^^

…. What have I done? I-I…okay, I need to breathe. Breathe and think. I-I couldn’t stop myself. He tried to…no…he was only in the way. It’s his fault. He didn’t need to get involved! His fault. I’m not taking the blame for this! What…what am I thinking?! There’s blood everywhere! I-I can never get that out of the rug…oh god…I’ve lost it. Lost it! He was just trying to talk to me. Just talk. That’s all they wanted to do. But I pushed them away. I’m not crazy am I? I can’t be. I just-just…I have to call the police. That’s what I need to do. Call the police and tell them that it-it was an accident. Are you fucking mad? They’ll put you under the fucking jail. Get rid of the body! Clean this shit up! Don’t be stupid Yutaka. Don’t call anyone. It never happened. Never happened!…Never happened...Yes, just a figment of your imagination Yutaka… That’s right. I’ll clean it up. Hide the body…take the keys…burn a candle. Just the flames and it will have never happened.

Atsushi sat down and lit a cigarette after just getting out of the shower. His mind continued to replay the scenario that transpired earlier that day. He couldn’t forget the look that the bassist gave him. It had teetered between hatred and pain. This couldn’t go on much longer. Yutaka was going to do something wrong. He could feel it. But he had promised Toll. However, was it worth it? Was it worth losing a friend to keep all this secret? Atsushi had made his decision. Hisashi needed to know. And so did Hide. Maybe if the four of them went to Yutaka together, he would see what he was doing to himself.

“Atsushi…” Imai said softly as he approached the couch.


“You okay?”

“No I was just thinking.”

“ I noticed. Is there something wrong?”

Atsushi looked at him and nodded a bit. Toll was going to be pissed off. But it needed to come out. Uta never acted this way before. And by the look on Imai’s face he had his own thoughts about the young bassist.

“…Have you noticed how different Uta’s been lately?”

Hisashi sighed and sat next to him. “He’s been under a lot of stress lately. I think he’ll be fine in a couple days. Just needs rest. That’s all.”

“No…Hisashi…there’s more than stress there. And I’m really starting to worry about him. Seriously, he’s never looked at me the way he did before.”

“Ever think that he’s guilty? I mean, he did walk in on us. I would expect anyone to leave quickly.”

“It’s not just that. He’s been acting weird all month. It started around the time we made the decision to deepen our relationship.”

“What are you implying Atsushi? That we’re the cause of this?”
Atsushi shook his head limply and looked at the other. “I’m implying that I’m the cause of all this.”

Hisashi raised an eye brow confused as he looked at him. What had happened between Yutaka and Atsushi that he didn’t know? Could there possibly have been an affair between the two? Imai forced the thoughts from his mind. However the images of the vocalist intertwined with their bassist began to stir in his overactive imagination. Atsushi watched him attempting to figure out if the other’s thinking was going to insinuate another fight.

“Hisashi…before you start yelling…listen. It’s not actually what it sounds like.”

“Really? What do you think it sounds like? Because it really is starting to look like you’re hiding more things from me.”

“I have…but Toll didn’t want me to say anything. But, Yutaka isn’t going to get any better if I don’t tell everyone else.”

Imai was silent as he listened to the explanation. Nothing was making sense. Yutaka was in love with Atsushi? That in itself came as a shock. As long as he could remember, Uta was always friendly. But it just seemed plutonic. He would watch the two of them running around the green room laughing. The childish kisses on the cheek. Atsushi would always, in his own brotherly way, slide his arm over the bassist’s shoulder and pull him, face glowing shades of pink, to the front of the stage. That was until Uta got used to it. Then Atsushi would just call him forward. Hisashi shook his head. In some ways he could understand why Yutaka was acting the way he was.

However, he could smugly say: He was too slow. If he cared so much, he should have acted on those impulses. Even if Atsushi would have possibly rejected him, it would have been out of his system. He would be able to move on with little problem. This though, this was more Yutaka’s fault than anyone else’s. And it was something Uta had to work out on his own. He had to be ready to let go before they could really help him. As much as he was a friend and a brother, Imai knew that it would be a waste if they cornered him and tried to talk him out of his obsession.

“So what do you think we should do Hisashi?”

“We wait it out for a bit….”


“Look, Atsushi, he’s hurt and the last thing he would want is for us to pile into his place, sit him down, and exploit that.”

“How would we be exploiting that?”

“Think about the first person you ever cared about in High School. Now remember what it felt like when you found out they were dating one of Hide’s football buddies. Now would you have liked it if Toll and Yutaka, had come over to your house, with your brother and told you…that you had to get over it and let go? Do you really think it would work if we told him that, and he wasn’t ready to hear it?”

“No…” Atsushi responded meekly. “But what do we do then. I don’t like what he’s becoming.”

“We let him be for now. When he’s ready, he’ll let us know.”

Atsushi nodded. Something still didn’t feel right. The way things had been going lately, he really was afraid for Uta’s safety. He sat uneasy for a while, until Imai found other ways to occupy his mind.

Toll unlocked the door to Uta’s home and looked around. Things were worse off now than when he came here the last time. The garbage was gone, but much of the furniture was destroyed. The back of one of the lounge chairs looked as if a giant had punched through it. On what was left of the coffee table were discarded bandages covered in blood. Next to them was a small knife and a candle. Toll had a sinking feeling as he stared at the items. He wasn’t going to listen to him. This had gone too far. Even if he talked to him, Toll knew that he would have to have him committed. Letting out a wavered sigh, Toll sat on the windowsill. He would wait for Yutaka to get home and talk to him.
14th-Nov-2006 04:45 am (UTC)
ahhh stupid suspense XD
14th-Nov-2006 04:49 am (UTC)
you know I had to do it to you...
14th-Nov-2006 04:54 am (UTC)
oh, but of course! *lj stalker* and what an appropriate icon to use for this post. i feel bad for u-ta so much hahaha
14th-Nov-2006 04:58 am (UTC)
OMG I have a stalker *glomps* YAY! lol. I know...I kinda do too. I loves me icon too.
14th-Nov-2006 05:09 am (UTC)
i didn't know stalkers got such a warm welcoming XD ♥
14th-Nov-2006 05:10 am (UTC)
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