Title: Break Down: Without You Pt.2
Paring: There is no paring really although Atsushi and Hisashi are a couple
Rating: PG-13 -R
Summary: (Yutaka P/V via journal entries in the begining. Atsushi & Toll P/V in later chapters)
To love and lost...to love and never be loved in return. To do everything for that one person and to be overlooked. What more must one do to get the attention that they deserve? I asked myself that question many times and still haven't found the answer. Can this truly drive someone to insanity?A/N: I'm not going to explain this one...one last chapter to go. Or maybe an epilogue...who knows. *cowers* Don't flame me though! I had to do it!‘Well that was nice…’
“What was?”‘He did this on purpose…’‘Yutaka think logically here. You’ve known Atsushi most of your life. Would he do something to hurt you on purpose?’
Yutaka sighed as he downed another beer as the two men with him watched.‘What are we going to do about it…’
“What can I do? He’s made his choice and I need to live with that.” ‘You can’t be serious. You’re just going to let him get away with stringing you along? The way he looked, I would say he wants you. Just he doesn’t know how to get rid of Hisashi.’‘That’s not what’s going on. He needs to stop this. He doesn’t want him in that fashion and he’s finally come to terms with it. Let it go.’
Yutaka looked up at the older of the two men. He resembled his brother. Or at least there was a likeness that was his brother’s before he had died. There was a calm collective speech that came from him. As if he had been here already. He knew Uta’s pain, and would support him in these dark moments. The other man with him, was nothing more than ironic. He looked at a younger Atsushi. The passion burning in his eyes seemed to be eternal. There would be little or no way to quench his lustful thirst until he got what he wanted. Which was the same thing Yutaka wanted… Atsushi. He would have believed everything he said, if the other wasn’t there and if he didn’t truly believed that these weren’t just figments of his imagination.
“Either way… it doesn’t matter.” Yutaka said as he ordered another drink. He got an odd glance from the waitress before she walked away. “It was and never will be me.”‘Oh there goes that brother of yours talking. Yutaka…listen to me. He wants you. I can feel it. All you have to do is make him see that. It’s not hard. Just walk up to him and take him. Don’t be a chicken shit.’
Yutaka looked at the manifestation of Atsushi with dark eyes. He was insulting one of the few people he respected. Nothing would have made him happier than to punch him. He had to admit that he was probably losing his mind. Talking to things that weren’t really there was more than a clear sign that things weren’t how they should be. His brother looked at him. Hopefully, he would do the right thing and let it all go. Let things go back to the way they were and never deal with it again. But he could see the malice that hid behind his confused eyes. Something wasn’t settling right with him. He knew that Uta was starting to believe what the other side of him was saying. If he pushed hard enough, he could have what he wanted. He shook his head and sat back. Things were only going to get worse.‘Just keep this in mind Yutaka. Is all this pain really worth it? Is putting someone you love through more pain worth it? Is losing your friends and family worth it? Because if it is…then by all means listen to that one. He’ll send you right to prison. If it’s not then, you should get some help. Talk to someone. Talk to your friends. Anything. But don’t let this consume you. You don’t want to regret this decision for the rest of your life.’
Atsushi rolled his eyes and took a swig of Uta’s drink. Did his brother really believe that would get Yutaka to reconsider his feelings? He had him. He knew it. Who wouldn’t jump at the chance of getting what they wanted? But he had to be careful. Extremely careful. One false move and he could lose his hold on the bassist. He had to get rid of the other manifestation. For now, he would continue to play to Yutaka’s wants until he could figure a way to get rid of the other.
Yutaka opened his front door and walked into what was now a well-lit room. He didn’t remember turning the lights on before he left. Honestly, he was sure that every window was closed and it was dark when he left. There was someone here. He looked around the living room thinking that there was a burglar in the house or worse. Sighing, he saw his brother come into view. He was relieved that it was just him and no one else, but there was an irritation as well.
“Didn’t expect you to come by…”
“I know. But there was something I needed to talk to you about.”
Yutaka eyed him and nodded. He already knew what this was about. And the one thing he didn’t want was a lecture.
“Could this have waited? Until later?”
Toll shook his head. “No we need to discuss this now.”‘It’s about your so called problem.’‘You should listen to him Yutaka…he can help you.’
“I wasn’t talking to you Toll…but seriously I don’t feel like talking about whatever this is today.”
Toll got up and stood in front him, shaking his head. “Well, you don’t really have much of a choice Yutaka. You are having some problems and it’s about time we fix them.”
“What problems Toll? I’m pretty fine. I think you’re just being an overbearing worrier again.”
“Yutaka…I read your journal.”
Uta looked at him in shock. So that’s where his journal had gone. He just thought that he had lost it. So much for trusting his blood. The glare that he gave Toll could have stopped even the strongest of hearts. Not only had his brother betrayed his personal thoughts, now he was assuming that he knew what his problem was. There was no problem. There was nothing wrong. He just didn’t want to deal with anyone for a few days. Although those days became weeks.
“You did what?”
“Look don’t get upset. I did it for your own good.”‘Listen to him…just like the other one. Always trying to tell you there’s something wrong.
Hell, they even look alike when they’re chastising you.’
“My own good…”
“Yes. Yutaka what you’re doing is insanity. You need help.”‘There’s that word again…help. You really don’t need their help. They’re trying to stop you. Stop us from getting what we want. You do want it, don’t you?’
Yutaka nodded at what Atsushi was whispering to him as he listened to Toll go on about how sick he was. There was something that bothered him about his brother’s voice. It kept going after a while. It just seemed to get more irritating as he kept telling him about how he was hurting himself. Then Toll said something that unleashed a rage that no one but Atsushi was prepared for.
“He doesn’t love you Yutaka. He told me that himself. He will never love you.”‘Well now…seems like someone is jealous. Maybe he wants him for himself. Listen to him. Spilling lies as if they are the truth. Shut him up…he’s giving me a headache…’
Yutaka tilted his head a bit as the manifestation of Atsushi ran his slender fingers through his hair. Cooing him softly as he watched the drama that played before him. He had him. Yutaka couldn’t stand the voice any longer. His brothers were telling him to stop. They were in his way.
“Yutaka you need to listen to reason.”
“Shut up.”‘Yutaka…please listen. You need help.’
“I’m making a call to a doctor. You need to be committed.”
They never finished their word. Yutaka had picked up the small knife on the table and
jammed it deeply into Toll’s neck. Atsushi smiled as the drummer’s blood covered Yutaka’s arm and shirt. Toll slumped to the ground after Uta pulled the knife from his flesh. The bassist stared in shocked amazement as he watched the life drain out of his older brother’s body and the voice of their brother disappear into oblivion. ‘That’s a good boy…’
Realizing that there was blood on his body, Yutaka immediately snapped back into reality. What had he done? His brother was in his living room bleeding to death. As quickly as he had drawn the knife, he dropped it on the ground and attempted to stop Toll’s bleeding. It was too late. He was gone and there was nothing Uta could do about it. The bassist went into a panic trying to cover the wound and clean up the blood. He was going to fry for this. There was no way he would get away with it.
“What have I done?”‘You killed him. I thought that was obvious.’
“What did you make me do?!”
Atsushi laughed with a soft delighted smile.‘I didn’t make you do anything…you wanted to kill him. I just gave you the strength to do it. Don’t you see Yutaka? You are willing to kill anyone that gets in the way of you and your goal.’
“This? I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to hurt anyone to get him. This wasn’t part of the plan or my idea. Oh god…I have to call the cops. I killed my brother.”‘Oh stop being so dramatic. You killed him big fucking deal. He was in the way. And again, you were willing to do anything to have him. Anything. Remember that.’
Yutaka covered his head with his hands and sat on the blood stained floor. What was he going to do? Atsushi wasn’t going to understand this. And neither would anyone else. He needed to call the police. He had to call the police. This was his fault. All they were trying to do was help him and he ignored it. Forgetting everything else, Yutaka picked up the phone and started to dial. He was stopped by Atsushi…or was it himself? He couldn’t tell anymore. ‘What are you doing idiot? Don’t call the cops! You can’t explain this. Clean it up. Make it look like an accident. Cut his wrists, light a candle and set fire to the goddamn place. Walk away and it would be like it never happened. They’ll never pin it on you. It will never come back to you. Let’s think here.’
“An accident? That’s not going to work…”‘It can and it will work. Now do what I tell you and burn this place down. That’s a good boy. Make it look like he killed himself in your home. Make it look like he was the one with issues. There…now burn it.'
Yutaka lit the candle on the table and stalked over to the kitchen. Grabbing a bottle of bourbon, he poured it in a glass on the table and let it flow over the lip of the glass. As the alcohol stained the blood and wood, the bassist knocked the candle over and quickly left the area. He gave himself a wry smile as he got into the car. Part of him was screaming still. Part of him knew that this was crazy. That he needed to go back. He needed to call the cops, turn himself in. But there were other things resting on his mind. He had finished his song. Now he had to present it to Atsushi. Everything would be fine now. He was fine now….just fine…