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Shanikusai Carnival
1st-Jun-2007 11:09 pm
Title: Break Down: Can You Stand the Rain
Author: shitenshi
Band: Buck-Tick
Paring: There is no paring really although Atsushi and Hisashi are a couple
Rating: PG-13 -R
Summary: (Yutaka P/V via journal entries in the begining. Atsushi & Toll P/V in later chapters)
To love and lost...to love and never be loved in return. To do everything for that one person and to be overlooked. What more must one do to get the attention that they deserve? I asked myself that question many times and still haven't found the answer. Can this truly drive someone to insanity?

(A/N: This is the final chapter. I wrote it like this for a reason. It's going to be a little rough sounding. But I think it makes it's point. It took me a long time to write the ending. [I have a lot of problems with ending stories] But I think, as long as it took, it was very theraputic. I have ended this story after everything. Enjoy all.)

He cries and I can’t stand it. It hurts me every time. He doesn’t know what I’ve been through for him. He’ll never know. Be he choose to do this, I didn’t force his hand did I? Maybe I did. I mean, it started as a comforting thing…then it became this. I know he’s still with Hisashi. He loves him as much, if not more, than I do him. Perhaps this wasn’t meant to be.

Atsushi paced the newly furnished living room of the Bassist’s new home. He had to tell him today. This all had to end. When it had started, it all seemed right. They lived in their mourning as they helped each other cope. However, it continued until it felt as if they were becoming attached. As much as he cared for Uta, he loved Imai. God know how many times he had screwed up. How many times Hisashi has forgiven him. But the vocalist knew this time there would be on reprieve, he would lose him if he found out.

“I’m just going to have to do this and hope he understands.” Atsushi said to himself. Taking a deep breath, he waited for Yutaka to come out of his room.

“I don’t know Hide…something still feels wrong about Ani’s death.” Hisashi said. He sat down on the couch and handed the younger guitarist a beer. The other looked at him with a nod. Since Toll’s death, Imai had let what was left of his blonde hair fade into a muddy orange hue. The original color of his dark hair, which was now spotted with gray, outlined his sullen face. He looked years older than he was, and had gained quite a bit of weight. It seemed that the drummer’s death ha d affected him more than he would ever openly admit. It didn’t seem to help that the one person that he wanted to be near was never around. But that was a problem in itself.

Hide shifted uncomfortably before finding a better way to sit. Although, he hated talking about the obvious holes in the story of their band mate’s death, he had the same feelings as Hisashi. There was no real closure. It was odd that Toll had gone though all the trouble he had for his brother. Only to kill himself later in that brother’s house. The stab wound in his throat was as if someone had stabbed him. There was no possible way he could have done it to himself with such precision. They had called it a suicide, but he was fine the days, even the months before. And where was Yutaka? There were so many accounts of where the bassist was seen that the police didn’t want to take the time to investigate further. But Uta couldn’t have possibly killed his own brother could he? Hoshino immediately put the thought from his mind. He wasn’t going to accuse his best friend of murder.

“I think we should hire a private investigator…”

“Hisashi, are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean his family in particular doesn’t need to go through any more.” Hide responded.

“True, but I think it would help them cope, having answers. It sure as hell would help us.”

“Alright. But we should talk to Yutaka about it. He should have as much input as possible.”

“Right…” Imai rolled his eyes a bit and lit a cigarette. He didn’t fully trust Uta’s capability to handle this. As odd as it was, Imai wasn’t completely sure the bassist was capable to deal with anything. A month or two ago, he had been locked up in his apartment, wasn’t speaking to anyone, had even gone so far as to take a break with no real explanation. Now, after the death of his brother, he seemed back to normal. There was something wrong about that. Even at the funeral, Yutaka seemed without emotion. However, the guitarist was a little annoyed with the fact that Atsushi was spending a lot of time with him.

“What Imai?”

“Nothing… I just think we should wait to tell Uta.”

“Why? It was his brother that was killed…”

“I know. But didn’t you notice how odd he’s been. I mean, now all of a sudden he’s okay. But when Toll had planned on going over there, he had completely cut himself off to us.”
Hide looked at him. “What are you trying to say?”

“I’m not willing to jump to conclusions yet. I really don’t even want to entice this thought. But, I keep getting this feeling you know? It keeps nagging at the back of my mind. It has been since Toll died.”

“You think Yutaka killed him?”

Hisashi was silent. He wanted to say yes. He wanted to answer that with confidence. However, it was hard to accuse someone he had known so long and so closely. Imai never wanted to betray that. Nor did he want to believe what he was thinking. It had to be jealousy. It was the only reason why he would think like that. It would be alright. He’d talk to Atsushi when he got home and he’d calm down.

“To tell you the truth Imai, I’ve thought the same thing. But as much as he was a brat to Ani, he loved him to death. I don’t think he could ever do any harm to his brother. It’s not in his nature to do so.”

“You’re right…I shouldn’t have even brought it up.”

Yutaka woke up with a start as he did everyday now. He couldn’t get the nightmare out of his thoughts. It was the guilt he knew it. Everything he did was plagued with it. He couldn’t breathe without thinking about what he had done to himself, his brother, his friends, and his band. He deserved whatever god was punishing him with. The idea came that he would tell someone what he had done, but he knew he would never be forgiven for it. Uta damned himself for being so weak. For wanting something so much that he killed the one person that would always care for him.

Today would be the day though. He would come clean and fix it all. It would stop the pain and free Atsushi from him. The vocalist that he had loved so much would be able to go back to the one he loved more than anything. Nodding to himself, he got up and got ready for the day. It would all be okay in the end. It had to be.

Atsushi curled into the couch with a cattish yawn. He had waited for Yutaka for what seemed like hours. Honestly, he was becoming impatient. It wasn’t usual for the bassist to still be sleeping. What was keeping him? It wasn’t as if he was that tired an hour ago. Turning over, he let his eyes close. He’d wait for another few minutes before he went in there and got him.

“Get a grip Yutaka…it’ll be quick and easy. Tell the truth, do what you’re planning and let go. It won’t hurt.” Uta muttered to himself as he put something into the waist band of his pants. He took a deep breath and opened the door. Atsushi was still in the house, which was a surprise. Usually he was gone before dawn and back at Imai’s. Perhaps he had left him. Yutaka shook his head and left his room. He’d never get that lucky. Atsushi was attached to the guitarist by the hip. Sitting on the arm of the couch, he placed a hand on the other male. Hopefully, he’d be awake and at least understanding. Understanding…that was new. How could anyone understand the reason why he killed his brother? Hell, he couldn’t understand why he did. Granted, it was temporary psychosis but how long would that work? He knew what he was doing. And he let part of himself get control enough to commit murder.


Atsushi turned and sat up. He smiled softly at him and stretched. “Thought I was going to have to get you up. Sleep okay?”

“Yeah…Atsushi I…”

“Yutaka I…”

They both looked at each other. The other had something to say. Somewhere, they both knew they were reaching the end. Maybe everything would actually turn out okay. Yutaka smiled as sweetly as possible and stood up. “You go first Acchan.”
Atsushi nodded and sighed. “ I want to apologize to you. I know that I shouldn’t have done this to you. I know that you have feelings for me and I shouldn’t have given you the idea that I could be with you.”

Yutaka watched him quietly. He was right. Atsushi wouldn’t never really love him like he loved Hisashi. It wasn’t ever meant to be and he should have listened. He never thought he could be that naïve. He stepped further back thinking quietly. This would be a lot easier than he thought. It hurt more than anyone would know, but what he would have to do, would be for the best.

“I know that you were hurting. And so was I…I just thought it would make things better. I’m sorry. I care about you, but…but…we can’t keep doing this. I can’t lose Imai. I should have never let this get so far. I just hope you understand.”

There was a blank look that crossed the bassist’s face. Make things better? So he felt sorry for him? The control he had slowly slipped from him. He didn’t need anyone to feel sorry for him. Atsushi was the whole reason why everything happened this way to begin with. All he had to do, was not hit on him all the time. Not sleep with him because he needed someone’s arms around him. Out of everything, Yutaka felt like an idiot. Pulling a small pistol from his side, he stepped a bit closer to the vocalist. He stood without emotion as the color drained from Atsushi’s face.

“Make things better…well, since we’re being so honest…” Yutaka started as he stepped closer. The vocalist scrambled back falling onto the couch. “I guess I should tell you the truth. I love you…I’m sorry I loved you. But you never seemed to get that did you. I made myself suffer because I wanted nothing more than to be with you. I made myself sick, I hurt myself, destroyed everything for you!”


“Shut up! I’m talking this time. Don’t give me your fucking excuses. You fucking knew what you were doing. Do I look like an easy fuck or something to you? Is that what I was? Or did you just want to have me in your pocket so you could have me whenever you feel. You don’t give a shit about my feeling Atsushi. Maybe I should do to you, what I did to Toll. You didn’t think once about what you were doing to me. It was always about you.” Yutaka almost screamed as he cocked the hammer back on the pistol.

“Yutaka please…” Atsushi begged as tears started to roll down his face.

“Yutaka please…Yutaka, Yutaka, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Say one more goddamn word and I swear I’ll end you. I cannot believe that you dared to use me like that. And I was an idiot, believing that you could love me.”


“I killed him Atsushi.”

“No…Yutaka you don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I killed him. I killed my brother so I could have you. He got in my way. He told me you didn’t love me and he was right. But…it tortures me. His face, his voice it tortures me. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be punished anymore. I have to make things right. I loved you Atsushi. I love you still…but I can’t do this. I can’t love you and not have you. We need to move on…you need to move on. Know that I’m always around…and you might, just maybe will be around for me…” The bassist said choking on his words as he closed the gap between them.

Atsushi couldn’t move. His life had begun to flash before his eyes. He never thought that he’d go this way. But to know that Yutaka has killed his brother hurt him more. It didn’t matter if it was because of his obsession with him, the fact that it went that far broke his heart. He watched Yutaka begin to tighten his finger around the trigger of the gun. It was over, He would never see Hisashi again. He would never be able to say he loved him for no other reason than he was Imai. Letting his eyes close, the vocalist relaxed. It wouldn’t be much longer now.

“Goodbye Acchan…” Yutaka said as he pulled the trigger. The gun hit the floor and so did a body. Atsushi opened his eyes, to see the bassist on the ground with the pistol on the floor. He couldn’t move, much less cry. Instead, Atsushi stood there and watched the blood flow from the gaping wound in the back of his head.

“Goodbye Yutaka-chan.”
24th-Jun-2009 04:33 am (UTC)
Very good story, interesting perspective. I could not stop reading it.
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